We know the voice well. The relentless one that we listen to for far too long (because even a few seconds is too long). The harsh critical voice sending us on a swirly Alice and Wonderland-esque deep dive into dread, anxiety, and shame. Let’s call this The Shame Spiral, shall we?

“Why did I say that last night? Ugh, you are so stupid. They probably didn’t even want to talk to me. I always talk too much. Everyone hates me. I am not good enough. What is wrong with me. I talked too much I know it. Now everyone thinks I am annoying. I am annoying. I am not smart enough to hang out with them anyway. I am going to have to lay low and hope people forget. Who am I kidding, they won’t forget, I am such an idiot.”

If we are really lucky - or are at the beginning of healing past shame- we try to claw our way out by listening to the more honest version ourselves that tells us we know better than to talk to myself like this while simultaneously catching wind of that shameful critical one that keeps slinging mud. The tug of war begins. We don’t want to believe it but c’mon it’s making really good points.

This critic is called Shame. See shame is tricky because its job is to force us to take thoughts about an external event and turn them into a MEANING about ourselves as defective in one way or another. Shame is not to be mistaken for guilt, whose job it is to give us information about when behaved or reacted out of alignment from our value system (this definition does NOT account for when guilt is pops up inappropriately as a result of old experiences; we will save that will be for a later post).

Shame on the contrary triggers concealing or hiding ourselves because it is telling us is that we as a being are wrong, broken, dumb, inadequate, failing, never going to be better, yada yada yada- pick your poison.

The antidote is self-forgiveness. On repeat.

I have heard the arguments against self forgiveness time and again (especially from the beloved sobriety and recovering community).

Anti Self Forgiveness Myth 1: “If I forgive myself I will either forget what I did or be suggesting that it was ok. I have to remember the pain I caused.”

Anti Self Forgiveness Myth 2: “I don’t know how to stop it hearing/thinking/seeing it. I need it to remind me what my place is.”

The problem with this theory is that hurt people, hurt people —-and/or ourselves and that cycle is vicious to say the least. Holding yourself hostage with pain is never going to help you get to the next best version of yourself. It is certainly not going to help you heal. Instead, it will hold you back and re-create the exact thing you are trying to get away from. For example, I know I don’t play russian roulette with my life if I am nurturing myself. I do however engage in loving and nurturing behaviors towards myself and others when I intrinsically believe in my value. When I believe, or am consciously choosing to learn, that I am a better version of myself today, I interact that way. When I believe the meaning the shame has left behind I react from that pain in ways that are either self isolative, self deprecating, or hurt others in the wake.

How to interrupt the shame spiral:

Using your journal is especially helpful because when we give words to the emotional shame and remove it from an internal only process we immediately reduce its power.

Take stock of the events of your day on a nightly basis in your journal.
Notice what the thoughts and feelings of your day were telling you.
Notice where the shame crept up and acknowledge what it is trying to accuse you of.
Decide if there are real places that trigger guilt (wrongdoing, an actual behavior that didn’t align with YOUR value system (not your moms or dads or brother or sister or best friends value system- YOURS).
Identify those as places you would like to learn from
End the entry with three (or more) of the reasons you choose to forgive yourself. Always noting that one reason is so you don’t carry the shame or guilt with you tomorrow. I don’t make better choices when I am coming from shame, instead I make choices that reflect that pain.

I forgive myself for losing my temper. I desire to dig deep into patience. I forgive myself so I can have more room for patience tomorrow.
I forgive myself for hitting reply to all and sending that email to my boss. I forgive myself so I can focus tomorrow at work and keep doing my best

Pause, Unfold, Pause, Unfold,

Sarah